My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
