Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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