my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Randomize
