I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
