Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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