remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
