If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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