on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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