Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Please, let me fuck your mom
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Randomize
