Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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