if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
