My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
