I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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