I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Randomize
