In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
try to milk me bitch
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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