Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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