I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
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