I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
My cat gives me a boner
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Randomize
