Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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