I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
