swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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