I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
