so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
