dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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