Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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