can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
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