It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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