this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
