I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
