i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Floor bacon is actually really good
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
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