so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
