You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Randomize
