I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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