Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Randomize
