I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
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