Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
So gin and wine won't be happening again
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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