If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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