I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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