I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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