My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
