my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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