opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
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