dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
