I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
