I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Randomize
