We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
