its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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