From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Randomize
