you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
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