dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
