Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Randomize
